How many times a day do you consciously or unconsciously tell yourself that you don’t know?
You may think, “I don’t do this”, after all, we are making confident decisions all day long.
Here are some ways that this may show up for you that you aren’t even aware of.
“I don’t know how I can be happier at work if nothing at work changes.”
“I don’t know how I can fit in exercise when I am overwhelmed and exhausted.”
“I don’t know how I can keep working with her and not lose my mind.”
“I don’t know what I can do to get myself to stick to a healthier diet.”
Do you believe any of these statements? What are the things in life that you feel like you are resigned to because there is no obvious or realistic answer?
Did you come up with something?
The good news is that you probably DO actually have the answer (Yes, this IS a Jedi mind trick).
Throughout my years of coaching, I have seen this to be true, over and over again. Fortunately, you don’t have to have a coach to tap into this superpower. It is one that I use for myself all the time and gets me out of a lot of tough situations.
The hardest part is remembering to use it. Otherwise it is just a conversation (that you have with yourself).
You [as the coach]: “How can you feel better at work, even if nothing changes.”
You [as the person struggling]: “I don’t know.” Sighing sadly.
You [as the coach]: “What if you DID know, then what would you say? What is your best guess?”
That’s it. That’s the whole conversation. What happens next is your brain cracks open the door of possibility and creativity that was previously chain-locked by the thought “I don’t know.”
When we say “I don’t know” the brain takes that as the signal to stop working on that problem, to keep you where you are. When given the possibility that you MIGHT know, that you can GUESS, the creative juices start flowing and you come up with a solution specific to you and your situation.
I have witnessed it repeatedly and yet my mind is blown every time.
We do have the answers we need. We do know something that we can try.
Let me give you an example. One of the things that I struggled with in the past was feeling like I was doing more work than my colleague. This may or may not have been factually true, but it is what I believed. That belief made me resentful and distracted by what was or wasn’t fair at work. I didn’t know how to feel better since I didn’t have any control of the behavior or work ethic of a colleague (shocking I know).
I was stuck until I was asked a version of this same question. The answer that came to me, or more specifically, that I came up with on my own, was that I like to work hard. I like doing a good job. I like providing excellent care. None of this had anything to do with my coworker. If they weren’t there, I would be working just as hard without the distraction of ruminating and hyper-fixating on what they were doing.
The answer was to focus on myself and focus on the type of work I was doing BECAUSE I WANTED TO.
This seems obvious as I write it. Anyone with children has probably told them 100 times to focus on themselves and not worry about what other people are doing. It wasn’t obvious to me. Not only had I been telling myself I didn’t know how to be happy despite my work situation, but I worsened it by piling on layers of emotion.
Once I opened myself up to my best guess as to how I could feel better, I came up with a way that worked. I reminded myself every day that working hard, giving good care, and being a team player was how I wanted to show up in my life. I left post-its saying as much all over my desk. I wrote it on my daily schedule.
I shifted my focus and my whole experience of work changed. This year marks my 24th year of working in pain management. I didn’t have to leave my job to feel much better.
I challenge you to try it. Ask yourself “what if you did know how to do it, what would you say?” Ask yourself to take a guess and try it.
Full disclosure, sometimes I have to give my top 3 guesses as to what to do to feel better about a tough situation. Never have I gotten through all 3 without something working.
If it seems too simple for the magnitude of a situation that you are in, I challenge you to try it. If you are unhappy anyway, what do you have to lose?
More importantly, what do you have to gain?
Next week is the first Thursday of the month and our Community Coaching for Nursing is BACK ON THE SCHEDULE! I hope you can join as we explore this exact strategy. Bring your toughest work quandaries and we will solve them together. Register here for Thursday, August 1st at 7pm.
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