We talk about work-life balance.
We talk about self-care.
We talk about burnout.
There’s lots of talking going on and yet relief doesn’t seem to get any closer.
The relief lies in the details, and yet, without taking some time to reflect on our lives, we never actually zoom in on the details.
So I’m going to ask you for them now.
What do you need to feel better in your life? Most people can rattle off broad things that would “help”.
More time. More money. Help with the kids. Better sleep. Someone to clean the house.
But I invite you to go one step further and ask yourself “why” (only if you want to actually get closer to feeling some relief).
Why or how would these things make you feel better? What would they provide for you?
What would you FEEL if you had help with the kids? What would you get from better sleep or more money?
What would it allow you to do or feel to have someone to clean the house?
What do YOU actually need? When we strip away all the logistics, what we really all want is a sense of peace, of control, of contentment.
And if this is true, we can start pursuing this feeling even without all the other “necessities” in place.
There are circumstances in our lives that we can’t or haven’t changed. I still don’t have a cleaning service and yet, I can still feel better.
Why? Because a cleaning service can’t actually give me a sense of peace. It can give me a clean house but how I feel about that is 100% up to me. I know plenty of people with cleaning services that still have angst about work/life balance and self-care (or worse yet, angst over the cleaning that’s done).
Pick one thing from your list and do a deep dive. I will continue the cleaning service as an example.
What would make me feel better? A cleaning service.
It’s really important to ask the next question and not just leave it there. If we leave it there AND we don’t have a cleaning service, we will unintentionally come to the incorrect conclusion that we can’t feel better unless this changes.
So we ask…
Why? Why would a cleaning service make me feel better?
Because I feel like I have so much to do and I don’t want to spend my time cleaning.
(Seems valid, right?)
But once we have this answer to “why”, this sentence to work with, we get to the heart of the problem.
I am telling myself I have a lot to do.
I don’t want to spend my time cleaning.
From here, we have options. We can solve the 2 problems OR we can change our minds. Here’s what this looks like.
I have a lot to do.
Potential solutions? Look at what I am actually doing.
Is it stuff I want to do?
If I don’t do these things are there consequences that I won’t like more than I don’t like doing it?
Is there anything I can delegate or eliminate?
Can I bundle my activities together to make them less stressful?
Are these things that I am happy that I get to do?
Is my schedule actually impacting my ability to clean at all or am I using it as an excuse?
Can I break down the things I am doing into more manageable parts?
Do the things I am doing bring me happiness? Am I proud of what I am getting done?
Looking at any of these things may decrease the stress of my schedule by 20%. Let’s face it, 20% would be great.
I don’t want to spend my time cleaning.
Potential solution? Change my mind. How can the opposite be true? How CAN I want to spend my time cleaning? (I know this is a stretch, but this is what I ultimately decided, true story). Once I spent some time actually brainstorming this, these are the mind changing solutions that I came up with.
I do want a clean house. As Gretchen Rubin says, “outer order, inner calm” and I like to feel calm. That’s the whole point of this exercise, isn’t it. If I focus on the reward of the clean house, the process doesn’t seem as heinous. I like to take good care of my things.
Cleaning doesn’t have to take a long time. I don’t have to do it all at once or dedicate a day to doing the whole thing. After sitting too long on the computer, just cleaning the stove can be a focused and time-constrained break before I go back to focusing on my work.
Stop telling myself I don’t want to do it. Why would I self-sabotage like that? Even replacing that thought with, I can get this done quickly, is much more empowering.
This is just one example, and don’t get me wrong, I still want a cleaning service. Thankfully my peace of mind is not contingent on getting one.
Am I saying it’s all in your head?
YES, but isn’t that great news? Solving for our obstacles to happiness by thinking differently is so effective and it’s totally free!
It may seem too simple but often profound shifts in happiness start with simple changes.
Try it, and then don’t be afraid to actually feel calm AND better.
P.S. Sometimes believing in yourself and your ability to make meaningful change feels completely out of reach. Without this, taking any step can seem incredibly hard, or worse yet, pointless.
But you also know that where you are now is not where you want to be for the rest of your life. This is one of the benefits of a coaching consult call. I hold the belief for you. I know this works. And then from that place, we evaluate what exact problems are keeping you stuck and identify specific strategies that can help you move forward. Even if we aren’t a good match to work together, that hour call is not wasted. You can come away with a new belief, the first step to actually feeling better. Click here to schedule a time today.
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