How to change your coworkers for the better

It’s easy to be triggered at work, after all, we work with people who are all faced with doing the same difficult tasks that we are.

And it doesn’t always lead to a peaceful and stress free work environment. 

Like it or not, our coworkers are key in shaping our work experiences. These coworkers aren’t just limited to our nurse colleagues, but include the medical assistants, the administrative staff, the residents and doctors, and (cue serious music) the management. 

That’s a lot of input to deal with, a lot of personalities.

It is normal that our brains sort through these inputs and make judgments. That is one of the roles the brain is supposed to play, it helps us ascertain danger and make sense of the world. But are we even aware of ALL the judgements it is making and what effect that is having on our day? Probably not.

Sure, there are the coworkers that we deem “toxic”, the ones we feel triggered by every time we think of them.

But there are other categories that our coworkers fall into; the slacker, the person who moves too slowly, the person who moves too fast and misses things, the person who doesn’t listen, the person who is always so stressed out, the person who always wants to stop and chat, the person who is constantly overwhelmed, the person who is completely inflexible, the person who expects too much without understanding what you actually are doing.

Did I miss anyone?

Oh, then there are the few who are “ok”. 🙂

If it was possible to just change the people around us, or even just the one or two who really wear us down, work would be so much better.

Good news. You CAN change them!

Here’s how (it’s going to involve science).

First we have to acknowledge how the brain functions. It takes in information, processes it WITH THE INFORMATION IT HAS- filling in the gaps with assumed information, and then relies on the pathways that have been trained for years, unchecked, through your experiences and emotions, to produce your thoughts and further experiences.

It all happens in milliseconds, even before you can sigh and internally roll your eyes.

And the more it happens, the more the interaction is followed up with thoughts of how annoying or difficult they are, the more the brain can anticipate it for next time so it can work EVEN FASTER.

We are training our reticular activating system, the part of the brain that filters out what is important and what is not. You may not pay any attention to what shoes they are wearing but you are hyper-alert to how fast they are working, their tone of voice, the fact that they are on their phone. This is what our RAS has learned (through our unconscious training) is important. We have created neural pathways that make them more difficult to deal with and us more unhappy.

Yes, it’s a simplified version of a complex process. 

And yes, we can retrain the system to change the other person… ok, to change our experience of the other person. The truth is, all we have is our experience of the other person. If we change this, in our minds our coworkers will have changed. 

Done and done.

So HOW do we do this? 

First, by acknowledging the process. The fact that we are compiling information to create a judgement and then reinforcing it by continuing to focus on those characteristics or interactions with the colleague. We do this by bracing ourselves for an interaction, by telling ourselves that it’s a problem that she’s on her phone, or that she’s complaining too much, or always in a bad mood. If we want to change our filter, we need to feed it new information.

This takes practice. It boils down to the old adage, what you focus on grows.

It should really say, what you focus on further trains your RAS and creates neuroplastic changes, reinforcing your experiences and contributing to confirmation bias.

I guess that would be too wordy. 

Right about now, you may be thinking, “yeah but you don’t KNOW my coworker, you don’t know just how difficult she can be.”

I too have had these thoughts. You are free to keep them. If you keep them you keep your experience. Giving them up is the cost of feeling better.

It may sound harsh but it’s true.

I want to feel good at work. I want to not be triggered when my colleagues’ shortcomings (according to me) come up.

We all have strengths and weaknesses, we all have good days and bad. We will all make mistakes, act poorly sometimes, and have things that we struggle with. 

See if you can make a turn-around the next time you are triggered.

She always messes up phone messages AND she is so good with patients.

She talks all the time, it’s so distracting AND she is smart and understands things the first time (she doesn’t mess up messages).

She is slow AND she never calls out.

He is complaining AND is always willing to learn something new, to take on more roles.

She is cranky AND is showing up, even though things at home are so bad.

We need to put better input in if we want better output. 

You can even practice ahead of time. Make a list of all the people you work with. Write down one good thing about each one. You are a nurse, you are trained to find the strengths in your patients, try it with your coworkers.

Try it on yourself.

Watch everyone around you change.

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There are lots of approaches to feeling better at work. And when you figure these out, the same strategies can be applied to other areas of your life. If you feel like you can’t do it alone, that you go into work with the intention to have a good day and come out feeling beat up, reach out for a free consultation call. We will explore your specific situation and create a plan that can have you feeling better in just 6 weeks, and will keep you feeling better. Send me an email and we will pick a time that works for you. Megan@NursingBeyondtheJob.com I can’t wait to hear from you.