What you focus on grows

Do you have anyone at work who rubs you the wrong way? Or perhaps you just find yourself somewhat universally irritated.

This person doesn’t move fast enough.

This person moves too fast and misses things.

This person is always complaining.

This person is grumpy, or loud, or obnoxious.

This person doesn’t pull their weight.

This person tries to do everything.

This person leaves work for other people.

This person expects too much.

This person is always on their phone.

This person is nowhere to be found.

It’s easy to see the shortcomings of our team members. We spend a lot of time with them, and the demands of the work we do can be significant. It’s easy to fall into the “why don’t they ever…” or “why do they always.”

And then we tell ourselves that their inadequacies, no matter how large or small, make work more difficult for us. Frustration settles in.

The good news/bad news is this:

What you look for grows.

Pause. Before you feel criticized, these are the thoughts that can go through my head 5x before 9 am. And when I get a break from them, they are there waiting as soon as there is a lull in the other thoughts occupying my mind during the workday. Sure, it’s not every day, but it’s often enough that I thought we may share this reality on occasion.

It’s exhausting, and it doesn’t make for an enjoyable day of work.

When the mental criticisms of our coworkers abound, it can be VERY distracting from patient care, distracting from the true meaning in our work.

I’m not arguing whether or not these coworker characteristics are true- after all, what’s “too fast” or “too slow”?  Do I actually know all the contributing factors to what other people accomplish during the day or what other things they are dealing with?

Maybe they find me too loud, or demanding, or speedy.

That’s not the point.

The point is, what you focus on grows.

Two common self-help ideas come to mind

1. Surround yourself with people who make you better.

2. You become like the people you spend the most time with.

I have seen this to be true on many occasions.

But we don’t necessarily pick the people we work with, so what then?

I propose that rather than just looking for the people around us to help us be a better version of ourselves, we look for the good in the people around us.

What you focus on grows.

Make a list of the people you work with. Write one good thing about each. Then go back and write a second good thing.

Everyone has something good.

Your brain will want to argue with you while you do this. It will want to offer up all the evidence to support your irritation- some of which may be legitimate

I know, I know, but what about when they make mistakes? Not the point of the exercise. The point is to help you have a better experience at work. The truth is, there are many times that it may be your responsibility to address behaviors that are counterproductive to the work we do, but there are plenty of times that it is not.

In both situations, looking for the good in the people you are dealing with will only IMPROVE your experience. It will balance out your evaluation. Looking for the good in someone doesn't mean ignoring patterns that need to be addressed. It simply means refusing to let those patterns become the entirety of how you see them.

This approach breeds compassion and problem-solving rather than judgement and deterioration of team cohesiveness.

How do you approach someone when you think they are good? How does being with them affect your day?

How much harder is it if you are hyper focused on their flaws? How does it irritate you or draw your attention from the task at hand?

Can you imagine your emotions in each situation? How you FEEL?

We all notice the negatives; it’s a truth of human nature and evolutionary programming. It’s a default.

BUT

We don’t have to accept the status quo of our programming. We can choose how we experience work and our interactions by choosing what to focus on.

Yes, it might be our responsibility to manage other people and correct mistakes or behaviors- even then, this approach can help us do this calmly and reasonably.

Or, it might be our job to do what our fourth grade teachers always said and keep our eyes on our own work, the work that we love. The meaningful work. The people that we care for. If we make a point of reframing our narratives of our coworkers to good people with normal human flaws, people who have “redeeming qualities”, we effectively silence our inner critics, allowing us greater capacity for positive change.

No, it doesn’t always happen immediately, although it can. As author Stephen Chandler says, “It doesn’t take authentic circumstances to be who you want to be; it takes rehearsal.”

Rehearse the life you want. If you want to have better people at work, start focusing on their better parts.

When we learn to see the whole person instead of just the flaw, we don't just improve our coworkers—we improve our own experience of work, our teams, and ultimately the people we serve.

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P.S. If this message resonates with you, imagine what could change if you applied the same intentionality to every area of your work and life. Coaching creates space to examine the stories we tell ourselves, challenge unhelpful patterns, and build habits that lead to greater fulfillment, effectiveness, and purpose. If you're interested in exploring what's possible, I'd love to talk. Megan@NursingBeyondTheJob.com