Burnout Grows Where Fires Keep Burning

“You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.” 

– Emily and Amelia Nagoski

This vivid statement captures how destructive it can be when caring for others comes at the expense of our own health and well-being. It’s the foundation of many self-care and burnout-prevention practices.

But the opposite is also true:

You don’t have to set other people on fire to keep yourself warm.

And the consequences of doing so can be just as devastating.

What does this mean?

Why would we “set other people on fire” (figuratively, of course)? As nurses, that idea feels completely at odds with our mission of compassion and care.

Yet, I once spoke with a healthcare professional who was consumed by the unfairness she experienced at work. She was furious—convinced her experience entitled her to more, frustrated by her coworkers’ opportunities, and deeply resentful that her contributions weren’t recognized.

And honestly? I understood.

I’ve been there myself. Times when work felt unfair, when it seemed others weren’t pulling their weight, when the evidence piled up daily that things were just plain wrong.

But here’s what I learned the hard way: living in that mindset was miserable. Every day became torture. I ruminated constantly, vented to friends endlessly, and woke up already angry about how others were being “allowed” to act.

In my mind, and often in my words, I was setting my coworkers on fire, hoping that by proving how unfair it all was, I would somehow feel better.

Of course, I didn’t.

When your mental energy is spent obsessing over what others are (or aren’t) doing, everything burns—your relationships, your peace of mind, even the quality of your work.

Distraction always lowers the quality of your care.

I’ll repeat that: sitting in distraction lowers the quality of your work.

We can’t set the world around us on fire and still expect to give excellent care. The fire will consume us first.

The good news, and the hard news, is the only person who can stop this cycle is you.

Take a deep breath. Remind yourself:

• Your good work is not dependent on what your coworkers do.

• Their salary is not your responsibility.

• Their choices do not dictate the quality of the care you give.

That may feel controversial. It may sound like condoning poor work ethic or letting others “off the hook.” But here’s the truth: caring more about their performance than your own will only destroy you.

Pull the focus back to you.

It’s normal to compare ourselves to others. It’s human to feel upset when things seem unfair. That doesn’t make you a bad person—it makes you human.

But I care more about you feeling fulfilled instead of tortured by your work. And the ultimate act of self-care is bringing your focus back to what you can control.

At the end of the day, you have a choice:

• Spend your energy unconsciously setting others on fire to keep yourself warm.

• Or, double down on being the best nurse you can be.

  
  

Only one of those will actually bring you peace—and once you find that warmth, what others are doing won’t matter nearly as much.

---

The truth is: you can reclaim your energy, your joy, and your sense of purpose. If your struggling to do this on your own then 1:1 coaching can help.

Together, we will:

• Untangle the thoughts that keep you stuck in resentment and comparison

• Build practical strategies to protect your energy at work

• Refocus on what you can control—so you can feel proud of the care you give without burning out.

You’ve spent enough time sitting in the fire. Let’s work together to create a way forward. Reach out to Megan@NursingBeyondTheJob.com to book your free consultation today and take the first step toward feeling lighter, calmer, and in control again.